just trying to figure out who i am

-girl (worse pay cuter butt)
-anxious (once an evolutionary advantage)
-white (privilege, loss of humanity)
-bad at keeping plans, telling jokes
-good at wandering, and words
-pretty eyes
-sun worshipper
-lost
-child
-sister
-(shitty)friend
-lover
-cat parent
-woodsy

I wonder if writing something takes away its power. like how naming something is a de-mystifying, a form of control. i am writing to get back power.

Because I’m getting worse.

At working, writing, practicing yoga, loving, everything. I started to sign up for the military even though i’m suspicious of patriotism and nation-states. I don’t know who i am only that my worse qualities seem to be getting worse. Why be self-sabotaging? Why make life harder than it already is?

What I know is that I’m not a bad writer but I don’t always write well. I’m not a narcissist but I’ve only ever seen the world from my own point of view. Coincidentally I prefer coffee to tea and fall in love easily.

Orange is the New Black lately imagines a loss of control – a riot. Handmaid’s Tale imagines a more sinister kind of shake-up. Our worst and best versions of ourselves are always both in reach. Better me is honest and hardworking and kind. Worst me doesn’t want to be independent, successful or happy. I’ll figure her out. Best me knows how to write and love. I’ll get her back.

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