when i was younger, i remember my dad and my mom both explaining why they were too tired to read but not too tired to watch tv. i do not remember what they said exactly, just the sense that 8 hours at a desk made word processing in the evening painful rather than fun or relaxing. zoning out in front of another screen was easier. as a kid, i didn’t get it; now i do.
this week a boy told me he feels like he’s living in someone else’s dream most of the time. now, when he doesn’t text me back right away, i wonder if he’s okay and if any of us are. this week my mother’s car spun in a full circle and crumpled, but she’s okay still too. we’re all a little closer to death.
this week my boss yelled at me for not communicating well and being somewhere else, but later a kitten fell asleep in my arms, smelling sweet. i drank tea made of mushrooms that can only be wild harvested not grown, and watched jurassic park for the first time while a boy kissed my earlobe. i deleted an email i had meant to respond to. my kitten dug his claw into my foot and one evening i spent money to roll heavy balls at rows of pins. i sat in a seminar about how to invest and felt the weight of my debt. i ate catered chicken with rice and thought about sex while an inspirational speaker spoke about the three c’s of communication. i went to bed early instead of to the bar where boy was, and slept in late. i spent $79 on a new charger for my computer and $8.95 on bath salts.
this week i shared my fears with my family, my friends and my therapist. i painted my nails, burned sage, and googled “how to get paid doing what i love.” i watched a live version of a disney movie and hated it. i ate a whole bag of gummies shaped like penguins and drove slowly over the last great snowfall. i read a book about france and baked brownies and made a car payment and hiked so far my feet bled. i cried on the drive home from yoga and swore i would be braver. i missed a phone call from a loved one i’d been looking forward to all week and did nothing to resist trump because i can’t even read a book at the end of the day it seems, and i’m so glad this week is over.