pretty girls don’t know the things they don’t know

Gemini: There are things that you can forget, and there are things that will stay with you until they’re ready to leave. There are things that are yours to carry, and things that are yours to let go of. There are trees that keep their leaves all winter and there are trees that drop them, every year. There is world full of sun and rain and mountains and dirt, and you don’t have to do everything on your own. You’re not the only person in this world and you’re not alone.

i don’t trust horoscopes because i am on the cusp of the sign i think i should have been. and anyway why do queer women like horoscopes so much? seriously why? is it that we believe that the rhythms of our bodies are larger than us? in other news, in the cold i eat more — rice, meat, soysauce, ice cream, taco, doughnut — teeth sink. i’ll shake you off in cold, in LA of all places

i know that if i were a contestant on any show i would do well but not win. i remember the moment in high school when i somehow got to the final bout of a fencing tournament — the bout that would determine if i was first or second. but by then i felt no sense of urgency. it did not matter if i was second or first — both I was happy with. i had fenced well — no one would argue that fact. i liked to fence and be known as kind of great.

i wonder if maybe i should write horoscopes and learn more about judaism. i cannot tell you about the old testament, inflation, 401ks, or the climate summit in paris other than that the planet is in a bit less trouble now than it was last week but not by much. i don’t know what could happen with planned parenthood (but i do know women are always borderline in trouble in america). I have no good estimate for how many homeless people there are in los angeles or india (there are too many) or how best to help them really. when i feel unsafe in this city i can’t tell if it’s deeply entrenched racism or a part of me i should trust. i don’t give money to strangers and i still don’t know if this is the right thing to do. i’ve never eaten a oyster or been brave enough to ask my favorite authors questions at their book readings. i do not want to know my credit score and i haven’t had the energy to do what i love lately. my neck has hurt for days, and i’ve forgotten how to solve equations with multiple variables. I don’t understand really why gas prices rise or fall. when someone has hurt me, i have trouble looking them in the eye or calling them back. i accidentally flirt with men because that’s how i was socialized, but i can’t tell when women are into me. i’m good at asking questions. i don’t what my statistical probability is for having twins if i decide to have kids, and i  had to google just now who the california state senators are. if i’m in a new place, i’m probably lost; i’m not sure what the capitol of new jersey is, and i’ve never seen the movie white chicks.

i watched transparent yesterday. when josh proposed to some singer with a holocaust ring and the girl said “ew” i felt smug for a moment like this was evidence that i was an alright human because i would never say that. and the other day i accidentally made someone feel badly for not knowing who ruth bader ginsberg is even though there is so much i do not know either.

i want to say that my frightening unknowing is rooted in a reliance on google and general distrust of “facts” and all that is supposedly knowable. it’s rooted in the pure pleasure of sun on skin, drop d tuning, quiet, and realizations like: your hips hold memory, especially if you are a woman. it’s hard to care about facts and knowledge when it seems there’s so much i’ll never know and also so much i know already on a deep primal level without having to memorize anything.

but all this unknowing, maybe it’s my privilege and my undoing.

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